what I write when Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind?”

So, I rarely travel out of my neighborhood, in this age of covid, I find it easier to make maybe 3 trips a month, where I will be around groups of humans. So… today I had to mail in my ballot, grab a few household goods at Kroger. Since maybe mid June of this year, I have been dressing more androgynously. I am beginning to realize a synthesis of parts of myself that are masculine and those which are feminine. Some of you are aware that between 2003 to 2005, I was taking female hormones, living as a transgender woman 24/7…I took that leap, dove really deep into that, made seriously poor decisions as well as HUGE FASHION NIGHTMARE MISTAKES…I had to get my mental health in order, which was a long journey…so here I am, on the right medication and sober… Looking into whatever ‘gender’ issues, I may have….. Realizing the femme in me and the man that I am and born with those plumbing parts. I am not affecting my voice, like I was doing back in the day, nor am I affecting my walk.. suffice it to say I AM NOT ACTING, I AM NOT PLAYING A ROLE as I did in the past, which was some sort of man’s notion what a woman should be…(freakin strange)… There was this whole notion within the LGBTQ community of ‘Passing as a Certain Gender..” So, if someone looked at me in that old time, I wanted to be seen as a woman…Like I said my old behavior was unhealthy for me and others… NOW, I can accept my feminine side, and also that which is masculine… However I appear, I want to be happy, confident, and comfortable in my own skin, just bein’ ted, putting on no ‘airs’, in acceptance… Early in July this year, I did a whole lot of writing which was personal, I shared this with my social worker, who has a degree focusing of Gender Studies. I found at first to be comfortable made up in makeup/dress all that, that I should adventure by walking out of my neighborhood in the evening, to see if anybody noticed me or cared. Realized that mature adults do not give damn about appearance… So I am comfortable in woman’s clothes. Wrapping this up, I went to mail in my ballot, dressed in my knee high boots, my stockings, and nice little fluffy conservative black dress, lipstick, and just barely a touch of makeup on face (didn’t feel like wearing cosmetics on this outing, cuz it was a pain the arse). So like I side, I’m comfortable, waiting in line, not affecting my walking my voice, etc… My turn to go drop off the mail, AND this man motions to let me go first, which I did. I left the post office, realizing that he treated me as someone feminine, a woman, like LADIES FIRST, that old gentlemen chivalry. Went and grabbed some household goods at Kroger… As I was waiting for the bus… Another man walks up to me, morning coffee in his hands, and said, looking down at my legs, “NICE BOOTS!” To which I replied in my natural voice, “Thank You.” He didn’t flinch, nuthin, and he just went his way, walkin… Then another fellow in the park across from the bus stop, just full on stared at me for 3 or 4 minutes… Yet another man walked across the street, looked at me, then did a double take, looking at me when he thought or couldn’t tell that I was aware of him… So a compliment, ladies first, and 2 fellows having glances at me… and just bein’ ted, lookin how I feel, behaving as I am…. So being myself, comfortable with no strange attempt at “passing as a female”, I was treated as such, and that caught me funnily off-guard….Cool. All this came to me on the bus ride home, and thought I will share this to my facebook friends, I mean, that thing does ask, “what’s on your mind?”

(post script, the femme unspecified, Unhinged and Explicit video from yesterday, is what I can do when playing within a ‘role’.)


Categories: Manic Beatnik Riffing

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