These thoughts of Betrayal were a Lie.
I was abusive. The trust, the thought that a woman was to
stay with me as a Soul Mate and take my SHIT.
Of course, she left.
I disintegrate.
Vow to love.
Vow to be a better lover.
Grabbing the first Woman I could.
Training her to be a Musician.
Molding her Mind. Charming her. Housing her.
Knowing, I would not trust.
Secretly I believed Never Again would I trust a Woman:
Financially, Emotionally, Sexually.
A Silent Vow, covered up in my Head, Clouded.
We were, in a way, Orphans.
She gets involved in exotic dancing.
That’s fine. It’s a job. I did not condone it. I stuck around. No matter…
No place for boyfriends in that occupation.
She makes $$$$$$$.
Lavishes me: Fancy Meals, Cars, Joy Rides, Expensive Gifts/Toys..
I Lavish Her with Flowers,
(methinks layers of Guilt Blame Shame Bitching..
but HELL, i DO ThaT To ALL my CLOSE friends).
No Place for Love.
Kicked her to the curb..and Barricaded Myself Alone.
She’s gone.
Another Woman: Glorious Sex, Music, Mind, Body, Soul,
Vowing to Her the Love of God.
Throw her to the street.
Disintegrate.
a Revenge
I repeatedly act out on others
for my Initial Betrayal.
Over again, driving the next to the Mad-House.
So I KNOW
I didn’t know TRUST
I didn’t know LOVE
I couldn’t know BETRAYAL
I COULDN’T VOW ANY OF THIS
(even in my silent dialogue)
I am no good at relations.
It’s okay, I am Married to My Art and Music.
I say none of this out of Self-Loathing.
You see,
I wish these Women from my past have
JOY, LOVE, EMOTIONAL SECURITY, FINANCIAL STABILITY, TRUST, FAITH, HOPE, FAMILY..
I want them to have TRUE AND PURE HAPPINESS,
(without me)
That I STOP THE MISTAKES OF MY PAST, LEARN FROM THEM, AND CHANGE
Truly.
To Pray for Them to have what is Best for Them…
Could be, perhaps, the beginning of ME UNDERSTANDING the MEANING of the words
LOVE and TRUST.
.