I constructed, shape formed, invented, contrived, prepared, originated- from various sources-
made up my mind reaching the conclusion,
a judgement with determination and a firmness of mind
arrived at a choice to form like the rotation of the globe, ponder, and bring to the surface
a CHANGING OF MY INTENTIONS, FEELINGS, AND ATTITUDES
reaching an impasse only to rebound, changing a trend in my life
to convert my nature with a specified result of changing my course in the opposite direction
and apply for help shifting and reversing my feelings attitudes and allegiances to enter
into a better physical,spiritual, and mental health
At the Turning Point
against what may or may not be my natural inclination
which is
my hampered power of making reasoned decisions and controlling my own actions,
my attitudes of others, my particular desires for pleasure
which was my sole purpose
as well as control or influence others into submission to suit my wishes
and coming to a point where I question IF I HAVE ANY VOLITION AT ALL IN MY DECISION MAKING
and the INEVITABILITY OF MY COMPULSIONS AND HABITS
so that
I may one day live happily , remain alive, conduct a moral life to enjoy a full and varied life
to one day actually know how to live, to support myself, to have people remember me in death positively,
to be useful, not to fake convincingly the charade I have been acting for so long,
wanting to let folks do as they wish, not having to fulfill unrealistic expectations,
to know the vulnerable parts of me, have a spark of life a spirit still growing with
an electrical current being fresh and pure like air, live right now
giving authority, my position in life, any power to another side, to the other side,
from start to finish, to do life again,
to hand over my will and life from where it resides currently
in a troubled burdened state of mind, full of regret, worry, dread, apprehension, uneasiness,
agitation and lack of safety
to
some supernatural life force, energy, music, art, sound , sight, nature, course of nature
benevolent, eternal, infinite, omnipotent IT
that is relative that I do not know as I should in a capacity that I comprehend
tho it is implied but not tacitly expressed, that I gather from what is known of it,
that I take for granted at times, that I hope TO KNOW THOROUGHLY, perceive grasp,
and ULTIMATELY BELIEVE AND FAITH IN
TO LET GO TO,
simply said,
“I am no angel. I surrender.”